Complicated

My sister in law Sarah inspired me tonight to want to write on my blog. But it seems lately that every time I open this and sit down to write the words won't come. There are too many thoughts to sort through and so instead of choosing a few, I end up writing none. Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I content with life or am I frusterated? Do I want to talk about me, or about the kids? Or maybe I want to talk about something intellectual I learned or something spiritual I felt. You see, I am all of things simultaneously, almost all of the time. Life has become complicated and emotional and that is not something I am used to. Can you have complete joy and fulfillment while also feeling like there is a gaping void in your life? Can you be bored and busy/overwhelmed at the same time? Can you love your toddler so much one moment and then lock yourself outside to escape the constant crying and screaming the next? I guess the answer is yes because that's about how I feel right now. Sometimes I catch glimpses and visions of all the amazing possibilities for my life and then I turn around and remember that really what I am doing right now is changing butts, cleaning up messes, and hopefully patiently enduring a meltdown every 5 minutes by one child or another. But then I remind myself that this is all worth it and it is really truly where I believe I need to be.
Discipline is what we need more of. Self discipline to make myself exercise, be more consistent with routines, bite my tongue, use my time to do the things I really want to be doing. It is only through self-discipline, sacrifice and vision that we can create the moments we want. I just need more discipline, grit, and motivation. Or maybe I need to stop being hard on myself and just accept that life is tough right now and that's okay; that this isn't forever and I am doing more good things than not. But maybe that is just lulling myself into a pacified state. Life isn't about checklists, but how do you know you are staying on track without them? And who is here to walk through this confusing journey with me?
So maybe it wasn't a good night to write. Or maybe it was. I listened to the most inspiring person speak today: Bob Goff. But that inspiration quickly turned to discouragement because I know my life will never become what I envision in those moments of inspiration. Maybe they could if only I would really try. But what exactly is it that I want to strive for? What exactly is the vision? One of the great challenges of our day is sorting through all the ideas and messages and information and finding ME in all of that.
The prophet and apostles spoke heavily on personal revelation during General Conference a few weeks ago. It is so essential right now-more than ever. The Lord can guide us through all of these things but we have to ask and then know how to listen. So really I should stop rambling here and go read my scriptures and pray.
Life is good-really! Just internally confusing at times. And let's not even open the can of worms of where we should live and start looking for jobs after residency. Such a daunting task! This I have already been praying about for months that we can be led to the right place. Or at least a great place, even if there isn't one specific 'right' place. We will figure it out, we always do. It just takes time. And patience is hard. Satan wants us to think that our efforts are not good enough. But we cannot listen to that voice.
See-I'm feeling better and more clear already. Writing is such a great way to sort through my thoughts. If I do it long enough I always get somewhere productive by the end. But I really need to get some sleep now!