Intern Year in Review

We officially lived through our Intern year of Residency. And yes, I say 'we' and 'our' accurately. And we survived, but not without some casualties. Usually I can look at a situation in hind sight and see the good of it and determine that it wasn't as bad as it might have seemed. I am struggling to do that in this case. Maybe I still need more time for that hind sight to set in. It was just straight up hard for so many reasons and I am glad it's over. I'm also struggling to find the glimmer of hope that people like to give you in saying that second year will be better. I only think it will be better because you have figured out how to cope by then. I would also like to say that the hard things only made me stronger and better. But really the hard things also bring out the hard things in yourself. I can say that I am starting the rebuilding process and I believe that in time I will come out stronger and better. I want myself in 10 years to remember that this really was a hard year. When Lincoln asks me why there is no record of when he got his first teeth, or when he learned to crawl or why I never sang him lullabies at night, I want him to know that it's not because I love him less, just that it was a hard time. (I know he'll never ask me that, so it's all good.) When resources of self are limited I chose to devote my time to being present with him in the moment-or at least trying to. Here are some reasons why this year was so hard, and some things I have had to learn along the way:
1) Change-Big life changes are not my forte. I can be brave and put on my adventurous face, but inside my soul longs for familiarity and belonging and understanding. Moving wipes away all of those things and only time can bring them back. Our next move looms over me like a dark thunder cloud. I came to love my life in Texas and the people there so fully that I find it hard to replace that here in Pocatello. I have had a harder time investing myself in people here and I know deep down its because I don't know how many more times my heart can walk away. So maybe it will be better to just not get attached.
2) I had a baby right after we moved here. That made making friends harder because it's always harder to get out and be social with a new baby. And baby #4 put me at my max of small people I could manage. I struggle when my babies are young anyways and this time I did it with virtually no support group (aka I had no friends). And to top that off my biggest support-my husband was absent from the scene as well. My initial recovery and first few weeks with baby were hard and so I got off on a bad foot and spent a long time trying to come back from it.
3) I learned how much I rely on Justin socially. I am not good at first time encounters, but Justin is. I realized how much I had used him to help me break the ice in making new friends. With him gone and me left to my own devices I usually fell back on just not meeting new people. And our typical methods of making friends no longer seemed to work either. For example we have usually tried to invite people over for Sunday dinners. That's a great way to begin to make new friends and meet people. But it seems awkward to invite a family over for dinner when my husband wouldn't be there. And he worked A LOT of weekends this year. Then when he actually was home we wanted to have family time and rest time.
4) I am in a much different phase of life now then I was when we moved to Texas. I am no longer trying to find ways to fill the time. It seems like there is always somebody sleeping, or somewhere to go, or the house isn't clean enough to invite a stranger over for a play date. Creating those moments did not come easily. The moments when things start to fall apart is when you want a friend to come over and chat with you while the kids play. But when things are falling apart is not when you want to invite a new person over to try and make small talk.
5) We had some hard things with the kids to deal with that took a good amount of energy. Matthew peeing his pants again, Koyle pooping his pants still, struggles with nursing, whiny baby who screams any time you put him down or walk away, trying to help your kids find friends in their new place, doing preschool with Koyle at home....
6) More responsibilities at home on top of the usual. Things like mowing the lawn and taking care of the flower beds, etc. all fell mostly on me because Justin was busy. He usually works about 90 hours a week.
7)I learned to stop waiting for Justin and just take the lead in doing things. This meant that some projects around the house I did my way and in my time because if I was going to have to get it done, I couldn't worry about how Justin would want it done. It meant doing things without him that normally we would like to do together-like planting the garden or going on outings with the kids, or making decisions about purchases and needs for the family. I regained some independence and learned to assert my will a little stronger again. I realized that in some ways I had become a little too dependent on Justin and tended to push tasks that I didn't want to do onto him.
8) Justin worked nights, weekends, Sundays, long hours, and his schedule changes every month. Some months he works different hours every day. Having no sense of consistency or rhythm to life also took a while to adjust to. It is nearly impossible to plan ahead for things that involve him and I learned not to try. I just plan our life and if he happens to be able to make it-then great! This took a toll on him as he was often tired both mentally and physically and then had to come home to a family who was desperately wanting his support. Finding the balance of what to expect from him and being understanding of his situation was a challenge at times.

But there were good things too like morning walks with Holly and Emily. This year was not all doom and gloom. But it definitely was a year of being pushed and challenged and failing over and over and starting again and building love and a strong foundation. Lots of loneliness. Lots. Loneliness inside-the kind of loneliness where you can be in a group of people but still feel lonely because nobody knows you. That hasn't entirely gone away but it has lessened. I find that the Lord continually sends me tender mercies at just the right times. He reaches out and shows me that I am not alone, and that there are some who know me when I need it most. I feel bound together in unity with my family more strongly than before. I have found a greater contentment in my role as wife and mother and homemaker than before. It's hard, but I know it is my work to do. Our family is in an exciting stage right now and there is so much to be thankful for. I know that we will look back on this time of life and remember hot tub nights, playing in the backyard, visiting dad at the hospital, spending lots of time with extended family again, and all the other happy things that will come in the next 2 years. But so let it be stated that there was a lot of emotional struggle this year. Too much for this little post (well, not so little post). But as we learned from the Pioneers-we can keep going one footstep at a time.
Wouldn't it be fascinating to hear Justin's side of this story? He has been so happy at work and that has made all the difference this year. He is excelling and doing well. There is energy about him again that was lacking in school. He has dealt with hard things too. And it is hard for him to know that his family is struggling while he is away so much. But we support him 100%. And now I always tease him about how I have learned to actually like my evenings home alone when I can have the house to myself, all quiet, nobody expecting anything from me. I can read my books or watch t.v. or clean or sleep or pray. I remember when we moved here I wrote in my journal that Lubbock was a time for me to develop myself outwardly through service to other people and learning from others, etc. But I felt strongly that Pocatello would be a time for me to turn inward and focus on myself and get myself back to a spiritual place where I could be a better instrument in God's hands. So far that has seemed to hold true.
Best of all, it's over. Done with. Gone forever. We will never have to do intern year again. There's nowhere to go but up from here!