I LOVE being a mother. More than anything else in the world. My testimony of motherhood runs deep and is very strong; mostly due to the fact that it has been challenged and carefully considered many times over the past three years. I have made comments about how I hate when women make comments like, "Motherhood completes me" or, "I wasn't fully me until I became a mother." Clarification: I don't really hate those women. Nor do I hate that that was their experience. It just hasn't been my experience. Many times I feel like I have given up my whole life to dedicate myself to my children. And that is a big sacrifice that challenges me. However, I wouldn't have it any other way. I believe so strongly in giving my children 100% of me and what I have to offer them, that I really do not want to be doing anything else right now besides raising my beautiful boys. I have offered countless prayers asking for that simple contentment that women feel when they say motherhood completes me. Mostly my feelings of animosity arise out of jealousy. But I am at peace with the kind of mother I am, and I am willing to make sacrifices for that. My friend and I have been talking about starting a preschool together. I have talked about doing this forever. It would be so much fun, and beneficial to me and my family in so many ways. But when I think about it in my quiet moments it makes me sad because I know it will take away from my time with the boys. I love being able to take them to story time at the library, playgroup, the park, long walks, swimming, you name it. As I said before, my days are dedicated to them and there is always a degree of guilt that comes along with wanting to do something besides just being a mother. But I also strongly believe that God didn't give me my talents and gifts so I could hog them all for myself and my children. He wants me to share the good I have to give with all whose lives he gives me the opportunity to touch.
Second, I do not hate newborns. Nor do I dislike newborns. The baby stage is just more challenging for me than other stages. Koyle was leaps and bounds easier for me than Matthew. Matthew was just a hard baby, and that doesn't make me a bad mother, it just means it was hard. It doesn't mean I loved him less, I didn't adore his cute smiles and precious toes any less, I didn't treasure the sweet moments of watching him sleep any less...you get the idea. My baby turned one this week and he is growing up so fast. Sometimes I wish he would just stay my baby forever so I could snuggle him on my lap and keep him in the palm of my hand forever. But he has to grown up and we have so many fun adventures ahead of us.
My friend recently had a baby and it is so special to watch her experiencing the magic of being a mother. It almost makes me want to have another baby. But life has taught me not to jump into that before I am really ready. So don't worry Justin :) I'm not baby hungry quite yet. But I will be because motherhood is the most beautiful thing. The most challenging, heart wrenching, confusing, frustrating, exhausting thing; but also the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Being a mother is what keeps me going each day. It fills my heart with more love than I knew was possible, and the most hope and assurance that I have a purpose here on Earth. This is my purpose:
7 comments:
Thank you for this, Carissa. (This may be long.) I know the exact feeling of being honest about your feelings with fellow moms (i.e. the newborn stage is hard, motherhood is hard, there is real sacrifice involved in raising children and sometimes we do have to put aside things that are important to us as an individual for a time to focus on family and that can be hard) only to worry that they've misunderstood.
I also want to tell you that I also think the newborn stage is hard. There was a woman in my ward who kept saying about her month old baby, "...And when he wakes up in the middle of the night, I just can't be mad at him because his cries are just so precious!" I remember thinking, "Are you kidding?! Screaming babies are NOT CUTE. They are exhausting and difficult, even if you love them!" For me, it's when they get around 5 months, and especially 18 months to 2.5 years, that I LOVE them.
I also know that feelings of being drained and tired and thinking motherhood is HARD can happen at the same time as having a strong testimony of motherhood. I have that, too. There's something strong, deep down inside of me, that leaves no doubt in my mind as to the important of motherhood and the joy it can bring. As hard as it can be, I would fight tooth and nail to be able to do it again. (I tend to think that it brings MORE joy and satisfaction BECAUSE it requires so much sacrifice.)
So, I totally hear you. And don't worry if you can't explain it all to everyone you talk to. You are an amazing mother, and you are not alone!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I find it so hard to balance motherhood and my needs, or better said how to merge the two.
I love your thoughts, and understand your struggles, you are understanding much sooner than I did. Never apologize for your struggles. You have so much of life ahead of you and all this will prepare you for things to come. Just remember there is enough of you to go around. Your boys are lucky. All of them :)
I can't believe Koyle turned one! Holy Cow. That means Jax is turning one soon too.
Its nice to know that you aren't the only one who stews over things you've said in public. I don't know if you feel the same way, but no one knows me out here--which is a good thing and a bad thing. I get to change some things that I don't like about myself (which is the good thing), but when I say things and walk away I worry because they don't REALLY know me. Know me deep down inside know me... which causes me to stew over things I've said!
You're post was beautiful! I've always looked up to you as a mom and I tend to think to myself, "What would Carissa do." And lets be honest, I think that with regards to motherhood, wifehood, educationhood, and all other sorts of hoods :).
Landon and I were always so impressed with how well behaved Matthew was and how smart he was too. Which we know is in huge part because he has a mom like you.
Anyway. Thanks for your thoughts! You guys are awesome!
I never thought twice about anything you have said about being a mother. Everyone has their unique experiences. And as far as the newborn statement, when I first heard newborns weren't your favorite stage I said, "I'll take the newborns then pass them off to her." And it's the same for me: it isn't that I dislike the toddler phase (well, to be honest, some aspects I dislike), but it is very challenging for me.
I already told someone I've learned so much from you about being a mother. I am learning to chill out and to be aware of the unique needs of my children. Gosh, motherhood is hard sometimes. Today was a "blah" day. But the nighttime hugs and kisses sure make everything seem better...even for a second.
I really loved reading this post. I agree with you about sharing your talents and gifts and not "hogging" them. I find that serving in some type of organized program (like your preschool idea!) helps me with my individual worth AND most importantly, feel closer to Heavenly Father. I actually just got everything in order to start another afterschool dance program at Walness Elementary - so I am really excited to start that in October! I say run with your preschool idea because I personally would pay big bucks to have you teach my kids! Plus, I am a firm believer of serving our communities, not just our church circle :) I also wanted to tell you that I admire your honesty in this post. I feel like it's important for women (especially Latter-Day Saint women) to realize that NO ONE is perfect! We all have trials, we all struggle and we don't need to be ashamed of that. Having said all that, you already know I think you are like this wonderful, creative, home-making goddess ;) and my role model!
You hate newborns!! You hate my baby!! Just kidding. :) I know stages are different and hard for different people. I never once thought you didn't like your children or you were a negative mother, but I think you don't have to be like everyone else either. I think that is a lot of us mother's problems.... we try to be like every other mother, and try to be like them because that is the best way to parent. When in reality, we all gotta figure it out for ourselves and whats best for ourselves. You put your kid to bed at 8, and I'll put my kid to bed at 10, and you better not judge me. I think you said this well, and you better have a baby soon so I can take care of you like you have taken care of me. And we don't have to do a preschool in Jan, we can wait till whenever because we can do what we want!
And you are a mother, but you have so many purposes besides that, you may not see them or know you are doing them, but you are a huge purpose for me right now in my life. If that makes any sense.
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