The Take Away

In January, my family experienced a sadness that one can only hope to never encounter. My cousin, only 15 years old, took his own life. It came completely unexpectedly; as far as everyone knew he was a very happy kid who just earlier that day had been telling his friends how much he loved his life and family. Naturally, there were and still are, many questions left to ponder about why or how Chandler is gone. I don't believe we will ever know the answers to that in this life. But what I do know is that Chandler was an amazing young man with a ray of life and light in his eye that was unforgettable. He had a tender heart and a zeal for life that was contagious. It has now been 4 months, and I am finally getting around to doing a post. I wrote most of my feelings in my journal and have pondered and wondered what to post about without having to go into too many personal details. So I would like to share with you those things that are still with me on a regular basis. These are some of the things I have learned and taken away from this whole experience, and it is not over. Such events don't just happen and then pass the way a family vacation does, it is something that changes a family. Luckily, in the case of my family, it is bringing us closer together and helped us to remember just how precious each member is. Okay:

• Life is so fragile. At any moment, somebody dear to you could be taken away. This is something I have always known, but until it happened to me it was easy to assume that it would never happen. I find myself pondering more frequently about whether I am ready for someone in my family to die. I find comfort in little things. For example, a few weeks ago we got our family pictures taken and that night as I went to bed I had the thought-oh good, now if my husband or children died tomorrow, I have an updated picture of my family that I could cherish forever. May sound a little weird, but it really did make me feel better. Life is a gift from God, and it can be taken from us at any time. This point was hit home when a week after my cousin died, we found out my Grandma had cancer. Three weeks later she had passed and we were planning her funeral. I had just visited her at Christmas and she was living on her own, healthy, and happy. It also makes me ponder my own life. Have I done what I need to do with my life? If not, then I best get going; perhaps I won't have as long as I think I do.
  
• Worst case scenario: From the time I was fairly young, I have had the horrible habit of running through worse case scenarios in my mind. Sometimes I really get into these make believe scenarios and I have been known to make myself cry over them. I think I have gone through each member of my family dying at different times in my life and in different ways. While this may sound odd, let me explain why I do this. The unknown has always scared me and by thinking about what I would do, and how I would react, it helps me feel more prepared in the event of something actually happening. Anyways, the other day I was running through one of these scenarios in my mind and the moment I always get caught up on is in the event that something was wrong with my children I never know if I should call Justin first or 911. I have gone through that a million times. As I was thinking about this it hit me: Kristy lived through my worse case scenario. My heart ached more for her than ever. And, I found my answer: She called Jon first.
• As we were driving up to Idaho after we heard the news, I didn't know what to expect when we got to my aunt and uncles house. Would everyone be sobbing uncontrollably? What should I say or do? Turns out my aunt and uncle are AMAZING people (we already knew that). There was such a strong spirit of peace in their home, I gave them a big hug and told them I loved them and they told me they were grateful I came up. And then for the next 3 days I sat and watched and listened. They opened their home to friends and family so that all could feel the spirit of peace, and the people came, and kept coming, and kept coming, sharing stories of Chandler, hugging, crying, and mourning together. It was as if I was watching the scripture "mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" in action. I suddenly understood what those words meant and I have a deeper knowledge of what it means to take upon us the name of Christ. There are really no words to explain the outreach of love that was shown. What an amazing example to me, and to all who saw it; I will never forget those days
• The worth of a soul is great in the sight of God!

I could go on, but for now I think that will suffice. May we always treasure the blessings we have been given, and stay close to our Savior and Heavenly Father so that in times of trial and heartache, we may have their love and peace with us.